....went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50.00 on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

... so Kerry is campaigning in the Bronx and walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: "John, why the long face?"